Really, when you think about it, life is a series of transitions.  They can be regular transitions, like seasons, in which we can expect certain things to occur.  For example, when Spring begins, certain activities that I don’t normally undertake, ie, gardening, (cleaning up vegetable and flower beds, planting, planting, planting,  more active interactions with the honey bees, splitting hives, etc. of a sudden take front and center stage in the hours that I will call my uncommitted hours.  I use the term loosely because I should consider my blog a commitment and it has certainly suffered since those demands of Spring have come about.)

On a larger scale, I am in a life transition.  It has been slightly over a year since my husband died.  I have learned that it takes at least a year to get back on one’s feet.   In my case, several other occurrences clearly demonstrated the turning of a page into a new chapter.  A part of me feels that I am being disloyal to my husband by thinking in this way.  A new chapter that does not include him?  He was such a wonderful addition to my life.   I can’t, for example,  imagine creating a life with somebody else, even though people keep asking me whether I am considering this.  I suppose many widows and widowers go through the same dilemma.

But I do need to make decisions and move into a direction that creates a clear path for me.  This is something I have never, ever been good at, ever!  And here I am, of a certain age.  It is not as if the years rolling out in front of me will be nearly as long as the years that have rolled up behind me.  And I do have to confront the realities of diminished stamina and physical strength as I begin to move into my elder years.

My sister keeps reminding me that I have to make decisions.  Actually, everyone is gently suggesting that I make some decisions.  Everyone seems to be saying that I need to move out of the home I shared with my husband.  Instead, I end up planting another vegetable garden.  And this house was only supposed to be a weekend getaway and/or temporary until we built our “dream” house.  Instead, we ended up making this our dream house or as close as a temporary home can be to being one’s dream house.  I suppose at some point, though, I will need to face moving out of it to something more my size

Yet my life feels very full and satisfying to me.  I am the sort of person who is always busy.  Even if I wake up without a fixed schedule, I will immediately find things to fill the day.

But I still have to make some decisions about my tomorrows.  I watch Spring unfold, as it always does, each year a little bit differently, but always clearly waking up to a new tomorrow that moves it ever forward into the cycle that is its nature.  The question that I have to contemplate is whether nature is the example I need to reflect on and recognize as the example to follow or whether, because we have been given consciousness, it is contingent on me to take active responsibility and seek a direction?  I have a whole world in front of me.  How ever the next stage of my journey unfolds, I pray that I do not waste this precious opportunity.

© Yvonne Behrens, M.Ed  2013


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